A colleage of mine just signed up for the Canadian bone marrow registry. She reports that they need a blood sample. Thus the following:
Welcome, newly undead one, to your new, er, existence!
We thank you for having chosen Canada Blood Services (TM) as your new serum provider. You may have questions and/or apprehensions about various facets of your new lifestyle choice, including but not limited to:
- Photophobia: this is a common complaint of the newly hemoglobin-disadvantaged, but hey, you live in Vancouver, so you don’t have much to worry about. Consult your physician for recommended skin creams, etc.
- Prominent canines: while many savour the shock value, those who would give their eyeteeth to fit in with their living friends and relations may consult a qualified dental practitioner [1].
- Nutrition: maintaining your weight has never been easier, especially as you are limited to 1 liter/day of blood under the new rationing act, since existing supplies must be shared with those not yet fortunate enough to enjoy your new recuperative powers [2].
- Superhuman strength, fast healing, poison resistance, hypnotic gaze: please avoid frightening ordinary humans by showing off these new abilities. Some unfortunates are still offended by the sight of blood, open wounds, and mind control. And we all know what happened at the last Olympic Games.
- Religous relics: studies have shown that it is the faith of the believer that matters here, so be careful. The stockbroker who pulls out his wallet or the UFO abductee with Small Grays on her tee-shirt may inadvertently cause you as significant blindness and/or tissue damage as the traditional crosses, holy water and hexagrams of the I Ching.
Thank you for your attention, and once again, welcome to your new minority group [3]. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to call us at 1-888-555-VLAD.
[1] Please see a professional on this matter. Attempting self-modification with metal files or rasps is not recommended, though the resulting flow of life’s blood is so, so good. That warm, savoury boquet gently trickling down your chin, steaming slightly in the cool air . . . uh, where was I?
[2] Feeding on humans, pets or wildlife is, unfortunately, still a crime. Attached please find a list of qualified consellors to help you with those inconvenient appetites.
[3] Attempts to change the ‘minority’ to ‘majority’ by purely natural means are generally frowned on by the authorities.