Instead, I am embarking on a career as a private image consultant.

This means that I will be consulting for numerous clients — I have a large number lined up already — in various areas. I will be evaluating people’s style and wardrobes, and advising on hair, glasses, makeup, and especially clothes! I will be running seminars on how to be more outgoing and how to strike up witty conversations with strangers on subjects ranging from sports to fashion to daytime television to the latest celebrity gossip.

I’m also planning to have a sideline in interior decoration, based on the principles of homeopathic feng shui. I think that by properly balancing the energy flow in people’s dwellings, we can more easily obtain harmony with each other and with our household pets.

I think that this change of direction is going to be great! Who wants to sit around all day reading a book or playing video games, when you could be shopping for shoes!